Sometimes, when thinking of a possible future husband, I think I want someone who would kind of both love me and hate me--would love be because I'm me (and obviously wonderful *sarcasm*), but would hate my flaws and could see through my folderol. I want someone who wouln't think I'm that great, really, who would know for a fact that I'm not. Howeer, he would want to help me get better, because he would know I should be better. At other times, though, I think all that's nonsense and I want someone who would worship me, if not blindly, then at least very cloudedly. He would love even my imperfects, although somehow at the same time remain sensible enough to know that they are imperfections. That dream is even more unlikely and fantastical than the first. I guess what I really want is just someone who can see me more clearly than I see myself, and who at the same time can love me more than I love myself (a very tall order indeed). In other words, my ideal match is God.

Unlike those who can say, "I've worked hard to get where I am, to become the person I am," I have been largely shaped by my environment in becoming myself. It seems to be that my efforts to change, to reform, are futile and that if I do act differently, it is because of force or necessity and not self-discipline. So it is that when I see something in myself I dislike, I am more apt to say, subconsciously, "Somebody make me better."